Most people who do not hail from the south tend to lump all southerners together in a common stereotype. The elements of this stereotype include, but are not limited to, certain "facts"; that we all talk like Jimmy Carter, carry guns, have horses and wear cowboy attire in plus sizes. This in no way encompasses the true facts; there are widely different degrees of Southernatude dictated by the region in which one was born, and each region possess unique and clearly definable qualities. Today we will explore lesson number one of three regions of the South; Texas, Tennessee and Cuba.
Lesson One, Texan Southernatude:
Texas women are constant caregivers, particularly Sunday mornings which are often devoted to carefully combing the obituaries to discover which Texas Oilman was recently widowed. When such tragic discoveries are made, the rest of their week is spent stalking the newly widowed man to offer him their most sincere condolences. This ritual always includes a King Ranch Casserole, carefully and painstakingly prepared by the best caterer in town, purchased by the female barer to bestow upon the the pitiful, recently widowed billionaire, who was heretofore a complete stranger. Other niceties may be offered up once said casserole has been accepted and the female caregiver is invited into the palace of the crestfallen stranger.
This fact has been carefully investigated by leading journalists and published in newspapers throughout Texas. In other words, I am not making this stuff up, just repeating it. However, I am the first of such journalist to investigate the foundation of this ritual, best described as Social Darwinism. Before Texas women discovered Texas oilmen, their lives were those of hardship and servitude. These facts are best reflected in the lyrics of the great philosopher Tompall Glaser, in his truth revealing smash hit, Put Another Log on the Fire.
Put Another Log on the Fire
Put another log on the fire
Cook me up some bacon and some beans
And go out to the car and lift it up and change the tire
Then wash my socks and mend my old blue jeans
Come on baby, you can fill my pipe and then go fetch my slippers
And boil me up another pot of tea,
Then put another log on the fire, babe,
Then come and tell me why you're leaving me
Now don't I let you wash the car on Sunday?
Don't I warn you when you're gettin' fat?
Ain't I gonna take you fishin' with me someday?
A man con't love a woman more than that
Ain't I always nice to your kid sister?
Don't I take her drivin' every night?
So sit here at my feet 'cause I like it when you're sweet
And you know that it ain't feminine to fight.
As you can see, once Texas oilmen were discovered by Texas women, all that followed was preordained as survival of the fittest ensued. This resulted in tumultuous times of both vast prosperity and losses. Great advances in surgery were made once the breast implant was perfected in Houston. This medical miracle led to the birth of the modern day titty bar and the invention of the pole. Texas divorce lawyers benefited from an unexpected boom in business. Vast scientific strides were made in the uses of peroxide and all this took place as Texas braced for an inevtiable and devastating war loss when the Vietnamese invaded, conquered and occupied Texas nail salons armed only with chemicals, face masks and their small hands.
Now, I hope I have cleared up some long held stereotypes. Texas women do not talk like Jimmy Carter, they do not wear plus sized attire (except in bras), they do not have horses, they own ranches. I reluctantly admit, there is no way to dispel the rumor about the guns. I hope this lesson was useful and come back next week when I tackle other misconceptions about Southern folk and enlighten you on another degree of Southernatude, Tennessean Southernatude, where many Tennesseans are convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that Colonel Sanders is truly Asian and mayonnaise is the bottom tier of the food pyramid. And please dear readers, always, always fight for truth wherever you can and work tirelessly to dispel rumors and stereotypes whenever you encounter them.