Degrees of Southernatude; Lesson II

Today we will explore the topic of Tennessean Southernatude, an exquisite form of Southernatude best defined by the state motto, The Volunteer State. 

Tennessee women wear the pants in every family, and are not shy about it one bit.  Tennessee men are secure enough with their manhood to not let it bother them one bit either.  Some Tennessee men are secure enough in their manhood to have gay friends and like art too.  Not all, but plenty.  For example, Elvis Presley's home decorator was a gay man.  Even though Elvis hailed from Mississippi, he adapted to the Tennessee ways very quickly and hired himself a gay home decorator.

Tennessee women are not one bit afraid of hard work.  They will bust their asses in the kitchen, the bedroom and the office and never whine very much.

Tennessee women want to make sure that everyone is fed at all times.  This can lead to obesity but they do not care one bit.  For example, if you go to visit a woman in Tennessee, she will ask "Would you like a slice of meatloaf?"  If you say "no, I just ate lunch," she will ask if you would just want a sandwich since you already had lunch.  If you say no again she will offer you a slice of pie.  If you turn down the pie she will offer you a "bar of candy" which means candy bar. She will continue to offer you different food items, increasingly smaller in size until finally she is offering you a Tic Tac, which you better take in self-defense or otherwise she will start offering up individual grains of sugar. 

Tennessee women are often big on long salutations.  For example, one Tennessee woman used to answer her phone like this:

"Hello, this is Susan Flippin Johnson, wife of Peter Franklin Johnson, Dean of Bethel College in MacKenzie Tennessee." 

Now, if my middle name were "Flippin," I might have not wanted to repeat that every time someone rang me up, but Tennessee women have incredible names and they do not care one wit what anyone else thinks about that either.

Tennessee women are capable of blurting out pretty much anything.  Well, except for one I knew and she would not blurt out a gall durn thing, so if you go to Tennessee to a women's' soiree expect half the women to blurt out whatever is on their mind, and trust me, they all have tons of things on their minds at all times, or they will dummy up and trying to prize a secret out of their mouth would be worse then trying to extract a needle out of a porcupine.

Tennessee women do not take any shit off of anybody at any time and will go to all lengths of finagling to ward it off at the pass.  For example, one Tennessee old lady wore her sweater inside of her dress, a sleeveless dress at that.  Whenever someone would blurt out "Why do you wear your sweater underneath your dress,"  she would blurt out, "Because if I wore it over my dress you are going to ask me 'if I'm hot and then say don't you want to take your sweater off?'

So, the myth and stereotype attached to most Tennesseans is that their motto of "The Volunteer State" was owed to the vast number of men who volunteered to fight in wars.  Now, you may have thought they were patriots, but get a grip.  If you were married to a woman who would beat you bluntly about the head and neck, both physically and verbally at any given moment, and who answered the phone with a salutation longer than The Declaration of Independence and who trotted around with her sweater under her dress, well, you'd probably volunteer to get your ass shot off in a war too.  And always remember this if you start to doubt my words,  Tennessean Pin-up girl, Bettie Page, was the first '50's model to pose with a whip.  Sure, men thought that was pretty sexy unless you were a man living in Tennessee.  Tennessee men were not impressed and thought, "So what, that's par for the course." Their only consolation was a never ending supply of meatloaf, sandwiches, pies, bars of candy, Tic Tacs and individual grains of sugar.  And if you don't believe that just ask Elvis Presley.

Comments

[Spadoman]

I knew one woman from Tennessee. I asked her what she did in Tennessee and she told me she was a fur king.

I then asked her if she had a ranch that raised minks and sold fur coats and was so prosperous in her endeavor that she was considered a king at her business.

She said, "No, I'm a fur king. A fur king hillbilly!"

[purseytuttweiler]

Hah! Did you make that up or is that a true story?

[susan]

That's one very cool story and I loved the ending. Bettie had some major fans at our house even though we'd been a bit young to know of her early on. I'm sure she was glad to know about her many fans and admirers in the years before she died. It might not always look like it on the outside but things are getting better.

[Don]

Great story - and so true! Being from Tennessee I once heard this description of the ideal Tennessee woman, "She can fish, fight, fuck, cook, back up a boat trailer and she's got a job." Amen.