Pursey Tuttweiler

Degrees of Southernatude; Lesson II

Today we will explore the topic of Tennessean Southernatude, an exquisite form of Southernatude best defined by the state motto, The Volunteer State. 

Tennessee women wear the pants in every family, and are not shy about it one bit.  Tennessee men are secure enough with their manhood to not let it bother them one bit either.  Some Tennessee men are secure enough in their manhood to have gay friends and like art too.  Not all, but plenty.  For example, Elvis Presley's home decorator was a gay man.  Even though Elvis hailed from Mississippi, he adapted to the Tennessee ways very quickly and hired himself a gay home decorator.

Tennessee women are not one bit afraid of hard work.  They will bust their asses in the kitchen, the bedroom and the office and never whine very much.

Tennessee women want to make sure that everyone is fed at all times.  This can lead to obesity but they do not care one bit.  For example, if you go to visit a woman in Tennessee, she will ask "Would you like a slice of meatloaf?"  If you say "no, I just ate lunch," she will ask if you would just want a sandwich since you already had lunch.  If you say no again she will offer you a slice of pie.  If you turn down the pie she will offer you a "bar of candy" which means candy bar. She will continue to offer you different food items, increasingly smaller in size until finally she is offering you a Tic Tac, which you better take in self-defense or otherwise she will start offering up individual grains of sugar. 

Tennessee women are often big on long salutations.  For example, one Tennessee woman used to answer her phone like this:

"Hello, this is Susan Flippin Johnson, wife of Peter Franklin Johnson, Dean of Bethel College in MacKenzie Tennessee." 

Now, if my middle name were "Flippin," I might have not wanted to repeat that every time someone rang me up, but Tennessee women have incredible names and they do not care one wit what anyone else thinks about that either.

Tennessee women are capable of blurting out pretty much anything.  Well, except for one I knew and she would not blurt out a gall durn thing, so if you go to Tennessee to a women's' soiree expect half the women to blurt out whatever is on their mind, and trust me, they all have tons of things on their minds at all times, or they will dummy up and trying to prize a secret out of their mouth would be worse then trying to extract a needle out of a porcupine.

Tennessee women do not take any shit off of anybody at any time and will go to all lengths of finagling to ward it off at the pass.  For example, one Tennessee old lady wore her sweater inside of her dress, a sleeveless dress at that.  Whenever someone would blurt out "Why do you wear your sweater underneath your dress,"  she would blurt out, "Because if I wore it over my dress you are going to ask me 'if I'm hot and then say don't you want to take your sweater off?'

So, the myth and stereotype attached to most Tennesseans is that their motto of "The Volunteer State" was owed to the vast number of men who volunteered to fight in wars.  Now, you may have thought they were patriots, but get a grip.  If you were married to a woman who would beat you bluntly about the head and neck, both physically and verbally at any given moment, and who answered the phone with a salutation longer than The Declaration of Independence and who trotted around with her sweater under her dress, well, you'd probably volunteer to get your ass shot off in a war too.  And always remember this if you start to doubt my words,  Tennessean Pin-up girl, Bettie Page, was the first '50's model to pose with a whip.  Sure, men thought that was pretty sexy unless you were a man living in Tennessee.  Tennessee men were not impressed and thought, "So what, that's par for the course." Their only consolation was a never ending supply of meatloaf, sandwiches, pies, bars of candy, Tic Tacs and individual grains of sugar.  And if you don't believe that just ask Elvis Presley.

Lesson One on Degrees of Southernatude

Most people who do not hail from the south tend to lump all southerners together in a common stereotype.  The  elements of this stereotype include, but are not limited to, certain "facts"; that we all talk like Jimmy Carter, carry guns, have horses and wear cowboy attire in plus sizes. This in no way encompasses the true facts; there are widely different degrees of Southernatude dictated by the region in which one was born, and each region possess unique and clearly definable qualities. Today we will explore lesson number one of three regions of the South; Texas, Tennessee and Cuba.

Lesson One, Texan Southernatude: 

Texas women are constant caregivers, particularly Sunday mornings which are often devoted to carefully combing the obituaries to discover which Texas Oilman was recently widowed.  When such tragic discoveries are made, the rest of their week is spent stalking the newly widowed man to offer him their most sincere condolences.  This ritual always includes a King Ranch Casserole, carefully and painstakingly prepared by the best caterer in town, purchased by the female barer to bestow upon the  the pitiful, recently widowed billionaire, who was heretofore a complete stranger.  Other niceties may be offered up once said casserole has been accepted and the female caregiver is invited into the palace of the crestfallen stranger.

This fact has been carefully investigated by leading journalists and published in newspapers throughout Texas. In other words, I am not making this stuff up, just repeating it. However, I am the first of such journalist to investigate the foundation of this ritual, best described as Social Darwinism. Before Texas women discovered Texas oilmen, their lives were those of hardship and servitude.  These facts are best reflected in the lyrics of the great philosopher Tompall Glaser, in his truth revealing smash hit, Put Another Log on the Fire.    

Put Another Log on the Fire

Put another log on the fire

Cook me up some bacon and some beans

And go out to the car and lift it up and change the tire

Then wash my socks and mend my old blue jeans

Come on baby, you can fill my pipe and then go fetch my slippers

And boil me up another pot of tea,

Then put another log on the fire, babe,

Then come and tell me why you're leaving me

Now don't I let you wash the car on Sunday?

Don't I warn you when you're gettin' fat?

Ain't I gonna take you fishin' with me someday?

A man con't love a woman more than that

Ain't I always nice to your kid sister?

Don't I take her drivin' every night?

So sit here at my feet 'cause I like it when you're sweet

And you know that it ain't feminine to fight.

As you can see, once Texas oilmen were discovered by Texas women, all that followed was preordained as survival of the fittest ensued. This resulted in tumultuous times of both vast prosperity and losses. Great advances in surgery were made once the breast implant was perfected in Houston.  This medical miracle led to the birth of the modern day titty bar and the invention of the pole.  Texas divorce lawyers benefited from an unexpected boom in business. Vast scientific strides were made in the uses of  peroxide and all this took place as Texas braced for an inevtiable and devastating war loss when the Vietnamese invaded, conquered and occupied Texas nail salons armed only with chemicals, face masks and their small hands.

Now, I hope I have cleared up some long held stereotypes.  Texas women do not talk like Jimmy Carter, they do not wear plus sized attire (except in bras), they do not have horses, they own ranches.  I  reluctantly admit, there is no way to dispel the rumor about the guns.  I hope this lesson was useful and come back next week when I tackle other misconceptions about Southern folk and enlighten you on another degree of Southernatude, Tennessean Southernatude, where many Tennesseans are convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that Colonel Sanders is truly Asian and mayonnaise is the bottom tier of the food pyramid.  And please dear readers, always, always fight for truth wherever you can and work tirelessly to dispel rumors and stereotypes whenever you encounter them.