I was recently contacted by an old friend, let's call him "Wild Bill," to direct and write the new movie he is producing, The Life and Times of Dick Cheney. Wild Bill was contacted by Cheney via some shady connections to create this masterpiece. Wild Bill immediately flew to Cannes where he rubbed elbows with the big boys to raise money for this soon-to-be mega motion picture. I sent Wild Bill this seldom seen photo of Dick and George Clooney practically begged for the lead roll role.
After being chased by Clooney on yachts and enduring endless hours of his practical jokes, Wild Bill finally caved in and offered Clooney the role. Now my job is to keep the ever-boyish Clooney in line, limiting his practical jokes to things like shooting his friends in the face, replacing toilet paper with copies of the Constitution and making up tall tales like, "Saddam Hussein flew the plane into the Pentagon!!!"
Casting for the other roles in the flick include Brad Pitt as Harry Whittington, Olivia Newton John as Mary Cheney, Lisa Marie Presley as Lynne Cheney and Charlotte Rampling as Mary Cheney's life partner, Mary Poe. Endless other roles will be cast as Wild Bill gets closer to closing the first round of Series E Funding, totaling 1.2 billion Euros. (Wild Bill will not accept US dollars from any of the investors and plans to hire an arbitrager to trade currencies routinely in order to keep up with inflation.)
Opening Scene:
Dick Cheney is sitting in an empty college classroom wearing a suit and tie. He is clearly upset and is chewing on the eraser end of a Number 2 pencil. A professor with long hair and shabby clothes walks in.
Professor: Why the long face?
Cheney: You gave me a C!
Professor: You were lucky to get a C. Your work is clearly below average. You really have not applied yourself at all. I gave you the C so I would not have to be stuck with you for another semester. Besides poor work, your eraser eating habit makes me nauseous. It is truly hideous.
Cheney: Well, I cannot very well flunk out with Cs. I need Fs, straight Fs. If I promise not to eat erasers in your class room, and to enroll in another school when I flunk out here, will you please....FOR THE LOVE OF SATAN, give me Fs?
Professor: If you promise never to return to my classroom again after this semester, I promise to flunk you. You can eat all the damned erasers you want, just ensure I never see you again after this semester.
Cheney: I promise. Cross my heart, hope to die.
Professor: Okay, now get out of here.
Cheney scrambles to his feet and flies out the door. His pencil is hanging out of his mouth and his tie is whipping in the wind his hasty retreat has created.
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